An aside — and then I come back
Apologies for the unexpected hiatus. I filter my photos on the computer. To fill the quiet I put DVDs for Arrow on in the background. By episode six I lay down in front of the tele with a plate of snacks and binge watched both seasons. Then another show. And another. Then another. I was avoiding my blog. It took me a while to figure out why.
I started blogging to make friends, to talk about food, to give my cooking a new direction and purpose — and you have all been wonderful. The suggestions to share more about myself required I turn memories I long ago packed away into stories. It has been hard on me.
I grew up with hunger always one step away and homelessness not far behind. My mother heard voices and imagined herself raped and pregnant or a divine messenger and I needed to take care of her (the other reason I can cook), contain her, and keep our home in order. My father never learned English and my mother forbade me from learning Portuguese and no one ever tried to teach me, so I know nothing about him though he lived a few miles away. School was a nightmare. My baseline for normal came from a tiny black and white television. It was really hard to connect with anyone being the weird kid in ‘that’ part of town. Picked on and bullied or avoided. And then there was an accident. . . .
I put all of those memories away when I left home. I never spoke of any of it. Then I started blogging about it.
Unpacking those memories, looking for the words to turn them into stories has been unpleasant, yet cathartic. The energy these lies of omission consume, well, let’s just say I’ve been melancholy and moody. But it’s good to grieve. It’s even better to chose to be honest with you and say all this rather than, ‘I’ve been busy’, and move along to the next recipe.
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not unhappy. Rather, I’ve chosen to look back after many, many years and claim those bits of personal history. I am no longer the crazy ladies son. I am a man. I am self-made, perhaps proud but grateful nonetheless.
See you with some recipes soon.